Over the past year, I have found myself without music or an outlet for music via jamming with my friends. You don't realise how much the loss of one activity can lead to internal self-destruction.
I lost my roots and as to why I wanted to play music. I lost those nerves I got before playing a gig whether it was to a room with two people or two hundred people. I just stopped giving a fuck in every avenue you could imagine. I resigned myself to working a shitty office job getting my paycheck and blowing it all on weed just so I could have a way to get to sleep as soon I had the chance, in the hope that I would never see the morning. With the loss of my soul, I sunk into the background as a rather faulty wired sheep who kept headbutting a wall assuming that would fix the issue. It didn't… in fact it provided a polar opposite result.
I went from pillar to post trying to find a new buzz / fix for what I knew and loved for so long. I just couldn't find it; there wasn't a methadone for the heroin. Nothing could substitute those feelings I missed, the feeling of being able to just go into your zone with your friends. It's a feeling that's unique to those who have stepped on the stage, a feeling that differs in everyone. That's the missing link, it's almost someone has just flicked that switch off and I can't seem to find a way to turn it back on. I lost those feelings. I turned to professional assistance, in which has assisted but just can't seem to help my brain re-grow those feelings. I still to this day feel redundant and obsolete, something I hope will come back to me. Whether I need to be put on the spot and force it out like a wet fart or I need to continue searching deeper is something I do not know.
Being in my early 20's I have now often been confronted with the question of “shouldn't you be looking to find a career?” “You aren't a kid any more, go join a gym instead”. Those general masses who wish to follow the latest trends are a vacuum to those who have a unique and interesting perspective on life are being consumed by this, in order to just belong. What they do not realise they already belong, it may not be as upfront and obvious but by god they do. Your perspective is what breaks the chain of monotony and creates a voice of education, and courage for those around who may not have the guts to do what we do. That is to create music for people to hear. Unfortunately, a lot of people need to let that fact sink in.
Conflict is killing us all.
I have however, opened my eyes to the way Glasgow is and how every scene is turning into an imploding mess of conflict and drama. All bands are now out there to outdo each other, no one wants to work together to propel on to bigger and better things. We all seem to be resolute to the idea of finding their own clique and sticking with it, not realising that we are all pigeonholing ourselves before we have been begun our journey as a band/solo artist. We never look at the bigger picture and instead we remain inside this frame of complacency content that what we are already we are doing is the dogs bollocks, and there is nothing we can do to improve our craft. I myself until recently have been guilty of this, so much so that if this was a crime it would be murder in the first. It is an unforgivable act do to ourselves, and is the front running reason for nearly all our failings throughout our musical endeavors. The sorry state of affairs that the local scene has gotten itself into is not getting any better. Jealousy is causing us to result to come to petty dramas of who done what and who is a grade A cunt. We are so focused on driving each other to failure, that we ourselves are forgetting that all musicians have the same ideals in common. We want to make music, we want to be happy, and by fuck we want to have a party with those who want to join in with us. A major contributing factor is that a lot of us do not believe in the work we do, we are not open to those who listen and welcome us. The majority shun these positive comments, thinking that they are taking the piss, and that are actually slagging us to their pals when they're not around. Why can't we take this at face value, why is it so difficult for someone to compliment those who pour their dedication into music to take these compliments? Is it due to the thought that we want to be better that it turns into frustration resulting us in pushing those away who want to help better us? I don't know. Though it is a theory that always sticks in the back of my mind like a fly that can't seem to find the exit through a window.
The gigs within the scene are also contributing the factor of conflict. Battle of the bands are poison, they bring the swamp monsters of music out. They even bring out our green-eyed monster when we are unsuccessful. Those who enter are put into a competitive situation where they need to outdo the other band / artist in order to receive something that may not accumulate to anything. I suppose this may be my eternally negative mind however is still a concern. More often than not we create enemies than allies through these situations, we are losing opportunities with each other over the slim chance we will get to play a big event which ninety percent of the time; doesn't do anything more beneficial than going out and grafting as a collective.
As for my return within the local scene, I have not returned yet I still have a lot of learning to do in order to better myself. Both instrumentally and mentally. I do not feel that this will be beneficial to those who support me. I also do not feel returning to the scene when it is at a civil war will assist either. If anything may lead me down the path of self-destruction I have just pulled myself out of. If you have read this, the only thing I wish for you take away is to allow others around you into the scene. Do not allow frustration to destroy any opportunities you may get. For those who get successful, do not forget who made you, and what you went through to get to where you are today.