Five Times Your Band Needs To Just Say 'F**k Off' - Jamie McDermid

Sometimes when you are in a band, people, and situations, rub you up the wrong way.

It happens to all of us, it will definitely happen to you, if it hasn't already that is.

It can be caused by terrible bills you've had foisted on you, (five band mixed genre bill you say? Excellent!) awful ticket splits (eight quid to me, and two to you, it's a good deal), scamming promoters (No witty pun needed here really), poor memory bookers (uh, sorry, we might have double booked you...again...) and more. Basically there is a lot stacked against you at local scene level, you learn to deal with it, and avoid it in future. It's a big giant melting pot of poor choices and inebriated decision making, and not in the good way.

Sometimes though, musicians need to make a stand, rather than take a hit. This is not only to save you wasting your time to line someone elses pockets, but it's also to stop laying the path for the scammer to do exactly the same thing to the next poor bastard they happen upon. If you make a stand now, then some muso in the near future might not have to fall into the same trap. If bad promoters and venues are stopped in their tracks now, then the future will be a lot brighter for everyone.  It's a no brainer really.

There are some choice words you could use while making this stand, but we find 'Fuck Off' works just fine. Below are five instances which suits the use of these two words perfectly.

You didn't sell enough tickets to the gig tonight, so you need to make up the cash shortfall yourself...

This is a standard pay to play trick used by bully boy promoters on what are mostly fresh faced young bands just out of college. They generally won't try it on older, more experienced bands, because they are cowards, and let's face it, if they did try it on an older act then the words 'fuck off' being uttered in their general direction may be the least of their worries. A swift kick in the nether regions may also be applied.

The first 20 tickets are ours, then you get a third of every other ticket...

No, no they are not. The promoter is not the only person who gets to avoid all financial risks on the deal, especially not by fleecing as much out of the bands as possible. We can do math too, so your bleats of'it's just to cover the venue and promotional costs' is as transparent as a really clear, see through thing. We know you need to get paid, but so does everyone else, including the bands...especially the bloody bands in fact, as without them, you don't have a bloody gig.

Fuck right off.

The stage times will be stated on the night of the gig, based on advance ticket sales...

Fuck Off. Get your band stage times worked out before the night of the gig so everyone, including the fans, know what the hell is going on. At least try and disguise your soul crushing band eating money machine as a proper gig. A bands quality should dictate how high up the bill they go, it shouldn't be dependent on how many friends and family members they have queuing up at your bar.

Sorry but because the two bands before you went over their allotted time, we will have to cut your set down to 20minutes...

No you fucking don't, what you need to do is get some proper stage management at your gigs. Bands only go over their allotted times if you let them go over. Don't punish my own band because you have shitty management skills. If you can't handle the delicacies of stage management then maybe promotion isn't for you. Fuck off.

Six bands on the bill, we've mixed up the genres a bit and called the night a 'showcase', and each one of the bands/acts/throat singers gets 15minute sets, this okay?

I don't physically have enough swear words to hurl at you just now.

Just...Fucking...No.

So there you have it folks, sometimes foul language is the answer.

Jamie McDermid